“If I Knew Then What I Know Now”

I’m back! After repeatedly getting a blank page – both literally and figuratively – I’m back to my state of information overload.

How many times have you said the above phrase to yourself? In fairness, you have to be middle-age and/or hitting the senior mark to really know what the phrase actually means. No, I’m not “anti-young”, I’m just saying that to really know – and FEEL – the phrase, you have to have lived to a certain point in your life.

This is not an article about regrets – although I could write volumes on that subject. This article is about growing up. I know, I know. Some people don’t ever grow up, do they? And some people DO grow up, but remain young at heart. This article is also about gaining wisdom. Unfortunately, you need to live some in order to gain such wisdom.

When you’re younger, you think nothing is impossible. Sometimes the heart leads in the myriad decisions that have to be made. And as you know, the heart can get you into a LOT of trouble. And when at that impressionable age, you also think you know everything you need to. When you get the advice of your elders, the people who really KNOW what you’re going through, the one’s that know better, the one’s who have already gone through what you’re about to, you think they’re just “old fuddy-duddies” who don’t know what it’s like to be young anymore. The problem with that is, they DO know what’s it’s like to be young. They remember the same decisions you’re facing; the same hurts that you’re feeling, they’ve already felt; and the same confusion going through you, went through them, too. But you don’t see that. What you see is a restriction to life, a barrier to feelings, a lack of “fun” if you will.

Something you should know about the loved ones in your life who are trying to guide you. All they are trying to do is spare you the hurt that they themselves have suffered. The problem with that, though, is that pain is the best teacher of wisdom. If you’ve never felt pain, you’ve never felt the consequences of bad decision making. And if you’ve never felt the consequences, you’ve never learned the value of life’s teachings. I said it before, and I’ll say it again, they’ve already been where you’re going. THAT’S how they know what to say. They’ve already seen all the choices because the choices once belonged to them, too. And they see the head-on collisions you’re about to make. But get this: even though these people in your life have reached an age where wisdom is a part of them, even they are never too old to learn. What THEY learn is that EVERYONE must go through life and learn on their own. To grasp the lessons that life has to teach. So they stop trying to tell you which road to follow, which way to turn, what decision to make. THEIR teaching moment is learning that they can’t protect you from hurts. And that, perhaps, is the harshest lesson of all – and one of the deepest growing pains.

What am I trying to say? If you are one of the young ones reading this, remember: the people trying to guide you only want the best for you. They want to spare you the hurts and hurdles they, themselves, have gone through. They don’t want to see you fall where they fell; bang into the walls they’ve collided with; or hurt the way they, themselves, have been hurt. That’s all. It comes from a place of love and caring, not from a point of trying to control you. You can shrug off their advice, but don’t shrug off the love they’re trying to share. Not everyone may be as lucky as to have someone care enough about them to try to guide them. Try to remember that love, and maybe take the time to listen just a little. You never know what you might hear.

And if you are one of the ones that have reached a certain wisdom; have felt the lessons of life; have seen the consequences of choices; remember: what were you like at that age? I’m not saying don’t try to guide. I’m saying remember what you are learning at this moment: the wisdom you’ve gained came from some of the harshest lessons life threw at you. And no matter how hard you try, you can’t spare your loved ones from learning that same lesson. Don’t push too hard to steer these younger ones in a certain direction on life’s road. They don’t see it as help, they see it as hindrance. I’m not saying don’t try to advise them. I’m saying don’t harp too much. Love them. Guide them. And maybe most of all? Let them know YOUR mistakes; YOUR hurts; YOUR blunders. You’ve tried so hard to keep these young people from following the same path you did, but you don’t tell them WHY you are pressing. You can say “I’ve been through it” and leave it at that. Or, you can say “THIS is how I know. THIS is what I did” and “THIS is what happened”. We try so hard not to show any kind of weakness to the young people in our lives, but it’s that weakness that makes us human – especially in their eyes. Let them see that weakness. Let them feel your pain. You might be surprised. It might just be your pain and your vulnerability that gets through to them where all the advice you’ve given them has failed.

Remember: the road to wisdom is never an easy one. You’re never too young – or too old – to learn from life’s lessons. It’s what you do with those lessons that matters the most.

Until next time,

Inge